Added paragraph to my story please rate it?

Not bad, but every single one of your sentences is a simple sentence. There is no variation and that makes it boring. I can see what you're trying to do with the repetition(well, maybe that's what you're trying to do), but it gets redundant and lacks creativity. It's okay to have a few of those in there, but mix it up. I'm not sure how much further I can critique it because I think you should fix that first. Then I would be glad to look at it for content :)